i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
