He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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