Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
