I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
