You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
