so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
