Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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