please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
