Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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