im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
