Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
