When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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