Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
