well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
