GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
