Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
