girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
