bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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