Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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