I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
