just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
