He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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