Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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