If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
