When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This toilet bowl is my home.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
