I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
