You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
