she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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