as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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