forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
