Jerry, you need to find god
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
