So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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