Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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