the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
false alarm. still invincible.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
