I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
