They should really pass out barf bags in church
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
