I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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