HIV tests are more positive than that guy
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
