her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
