she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
