My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
