How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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