dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
