Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
