I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
