Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
