i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
