If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
