Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I came so hard my ears popped.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize