i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
