Your face is a jimmy john
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
