I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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