Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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