then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
