I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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