Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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