I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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