before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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