It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
