You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Randomize
